The last week has been pretty productive in my journey to a saner me.
I had a frustrating call with my mother regarding snow removal that ended in me deciding she’d be a lot less frustrating to me if I were just a better daughter and called her when I know she could use some help instead of waiting for her to ask me for it. Cause she won’t and she’ll try to do things herself and she’ll end up hurting herself. And then I get mad. Which is silly. Just a phone call a couple of times a week, and when it’s extra snowy, and when it’s extra cold, or there was a horrible storm that maybe knocked her power out…and things will be better. It won’t make her any less self-involved, but it will make me feel better about what kind of daughter I am.
Last Tuesday, I saw a therapist. She wrote furiously as I told her about my history and my stress and my health. Then she suggested I see her weekly. Which would be fine if I were rich, but I’m not. My insurance has a $1500 deductible for mental health that is separate from the $2000 deductible that applies to all my other doctors. And the visits are $100 each. So, that’s not going to happen. Finances are one of my stress issues, and I would much rather put any extra money toward tickets to visit our kids and granddaughter.
At work, I talked to my boss – informally – about how I just need to step back a little. It’s obvious to me that the promotion he told me I’d be getting is just going to be put off and put off. My tension over this has backfired, causing me to be the kind of complaining, whining, difficult employee I hate. So, if I haven’t already shot myself in the foot, backing off is going to be the only way to handle this. I just need to go back to working and not fighting against all of the things I would do different.
I’ve proven to myself that longer hours don’t make me more effective, either. (Some lessons need to be learned over and over and over.) I worked 11 hours straight last week on a problem. When I made it worse for the umpteenth time, I put my computer away and went home. After a pretty good night’s sleep, I went back into the office and resolved 90% of my problem in an hour. Ugh. But the simple act of putting my computer in my desk instead of taking it home with me allowed me to decompress and come back refreshed. We’re not technically on call in our office, but there’s more 24 x 7 communication than makes me comfortable. So I’ve taken to shutting down the office one night a week. Making it so I couldn’t work if I wanted to and thus keeping the wheels from turning in my head all night.
I’ve also decided that Tuesdays – my work from home day – is going to be my scheduled Me-Day! I’m going to use it to catch up on my personal things and take a step back from the pressure at work. Don’t get me wrong – I will work. I just will spend some of that time multi-tasking in ways that make me feel better.
I’m going on Thursday to a new member meeting at Gilda’s Club. It looks like it may be interesting and a way for me to connect with other people and get support for my post cancer issues. It may be nice. It may be not. I’m just going to keep exploring things that may make me feel better until something sticks.
It’s improving. Day by Day.