Keeping On

Things are better.

It did me wonders to get out to see my Bestie and my favorites.

I’ve been calling my mom more often.  Checking in on her makes me feel better about the type of daughter I am.  When it snows.  When it’s super cold.  I call her and check on her.  When I’m going to the movies.  I ask her to go along.  It’s better.  I still get annoyed.  But it’s better.

I went to the meeting at Gilda’s Club and I want to attend some of the groups, but the times are all either too early or two late.  I didn’t go to Yoga last week, so I hope to go tomorrow.  I bought special clothes.  I should go.

I’ve been trying to get out of work earlier lately.  And it’s been pretty effective.  Up until this week anyway.  This week has been all screwed up.  But I’m trying.  And when I’m working late, I’m trying to make sure it’s because I want to accomplish something to make myself feel better and not because it will make someone else feel better.

I am slowly – very slowly – making improvements to the way I eat.  I don’t have any candy in the house right now. I bought fruit.  I bought some vegetables.   I ate some of them.  It’s a start.

I feel better.  And it’s almost March.  March is a month I can deal with.  February is not.  I hate February.

And March has many wonderful things in it.  My class with Dyan Reavley (this Sunday!).  Scrapbook Camp.  Utefest.

It’s going to be amazing.  Just wait.



The last week has been pretty productive in my journey to a saner me.

I had a frustrating call with my mother regarding snow removal that ended in me deciding she’d be a lot less frustrating to me if I were just a better daughter and called her when I know she could use some help instead of waiting for her to ask me for it.  Cause she won’t and she’ll try to do things herself and she’ll end up hurting herself.  And then I get mad.  Which is silly.  Just a phone call a couple of times a week, and when it’s extra snowy, and when it’s extra cold, or there was a horrible storm that maybe knocked her power out…and things will be better.  It won’t make her any less self-involved, but it will make me feel better about what kind of daughter I am.

Last Tuesday, I saw a therapist.  She wrote furiously as I told her about my history and my stress and my health.  Then she suggested I see her weekly.  Which would be fine if I were rich, but I’m not.  My insurance has a $1500 deductible for mental health that is separate from the $2000 deductible that applies to all my other doctors.  And the visits are $100 each.  So, that’s not going to happen. Finances are one of my stress issues, and I would much rather put any extra money toward tickets to visit our kids and granddaughter.

At work, I talked to my boss – informally – about how I just need to step back a little.  It’s obvious to me that the promotion he told me I’d be getting is just going to be put off and put off.  My tension over this has backfired, causing me to be the kind of complaining, whining, difficult employee I hate.  So, if I haven’t already shot myself in the foot, backing off is going to be the only way to handle this.  I just need to go back to working and not fighting against all of the things I would do different.

I’ve proven to myself that longer hours don’t make me more effective, either.  (Some lessons need to be learned over and over and over.)  I worked 11 hours straight last week on a problem.  When I made it worse for the umpteenth time, I put my computer away and went home.  After a pretty good night’s sleep, I went back into the office and resolved 90% of my problem in an hour.  Ugh.  But the simple act of putting my computer in my desk instead of taking it home with me allowed me to decompress and come back refreshed.  We’re not technically on call in our office, but there’s more 24 x 7 communication than makes me comfortable.  So I’ve taken to shutting down the office one night a week.  Making it so I couldn’t work if I wanted to and thus keeping the wheels from turning in my head all night.

I’ve also decided that Tuesdays – my work from home day – is going to be my scheduled Me-Day!  I’m going to use it to catch up on my personal things and take a step back from the pressure at work.  Don’t get me wrong – I will work.  I just will spend some of that time multi-tasking in ways that make me feel better.

I’m going on Thursday to a new member meeting at Gilda’s Club.   It looks like it may be interesting and a way for me to connect with other people and get support for my post cancer issues.  It may be nice.  It may be not.  I’m just going to keep exploring things that may make me feel better until something sticks.

It’s improving.  Day by Day.

Time and It’s (Mis) Uses

Yesterday the entire Mitten was under a cloud of blue – snow as indicated by Weatherbug.  It never stopped snowing all day.  It started out looking like it would be underwhelming since the snow was very fine.  But we did end up with over a foot in the end.  Poor Husband.  He gets so upset about these things that are outside his control.  I was disappointed, too, as I had plans to have lunch with friends.  I am missing my much-needed girl time.  It happens in the winter months. And if all else fails, I will see a lot of them in March.   Instead of pissing and moaning, though, I read a few magazines and did 30 crosswords.  I ticked another movie off my Oscar list via thanks to HBO and tried out a new series.  I spent the day in unconstrictive clothing, slept in and took a nap.

It was a pretty awesome day.

Today – as it turns out – is a vacation day for me.   I’ve been struggling at work.  A lot.  I’ve become angry and resentful of the way things are going.  It shows in my attitude too much.  So much that Boss Man has taken to sending me patronizing messages when we have a “productive conversation”.  (They’d all be productive if he’d do things right.)  Seriously, the problem is me.  I’m not able to focus.  I’m exhausted. My eyes seem to roll on their own.  It’s not only coming across to the staff but to the customers.  So it’s time to get my shit together.

Today turned out to be the perfect day to do that.  Husband and Boy are both working all day so I have no distractions but my own. I got up near my usual time.  I’ve been enjoying the quiet all morning.  I’ve had a big cup of coffee.  I’ve caught up on facebook. I deleted all of the games from my phone and left my crossword book downstairs.  When I finish this entry, I’m going to get dressed and start checking things off my list!

  • I have phone calls to make.  Some that I’ve been putting off for a while.  Some that I’ve been planning to make for a couple of weeks but just haven’t made the time.
  • I’m going to set up an eye appointment with my friend’s work.  I feel like being able to see out of both eyes would go a long way toward lessening this horrible fatigue.  I know it would help with the headaches.
  • I’m going to call my Dr. and ask for a hormone level check for my Oncologist.  If I’m past menopause, we can put me on another cancer med that will allow me to go back to my previous sanity cocktail.
  • I’m going to call my insurance company and ask what is required to see a therapist.  I didn’t want to spend the money previously, but now it just may be necessary.
  • When I do all of that, I’m going to reward myself by signing up for a class (or two) with an Artist I admire.  Something I haven’t done in ages and I really miss.
  • I’m going to go through all my “weight loss” bag and see if I can get my mojo running.
  • After all of that, I’m going to make dinner for my family and do the dishes while the Husband shovels.

It is all about the mojo, people.   I have been wasting so much time just sitting around and using my brain to get to another level of a game or do another crossword puzzle.  It’s insane.  I know how this works.  You have to spend energy to make energy.

I haven’t been doing as well as I’d like with changing my habits.  I did give up soda, but it took weeks longer than I planned.   Giving up soda has curbed my fast food visits again, as well. One bonus thing that happened:  My insurance company stopped paying for my GERD pills.  I worry because I know Acid Reflux is very bad, but I haven’t had the problems with it I thought i would.  Instead, I’ve found that I feel full faster.  And I seem to have less urge to continue to eat once I feel full.  It’s helping me push away the plate now and then.  I’ve also been trying to stop at one nighttime snack.  (This one is a particularly hard habit to break.  And I’ll always be a little mad at Husband for getting me started so long ago.)  And I didn’t by any more SweetTart Hearts!!

I’m being quite conscious of the way I feel while I make these changes.  I need to get back to the person I want to be.  I need to use the time I have to do that.