Meanwhile, I’m Stiiiilll Thinkin’…

Don’t you find it amazing how much you can miss a person when you know you can’t really communicate with them? Best Friend is on a jaunt to Alaska this week and I’ve so missed her! Which is silly, really, because it’s not like we see each other a lot. I miss her on the Net. I miss her comments and updates and comics. I was thrilled this morning to find that she had made her destination and there is photographic evidence that she is tan and happy and wasn’t splattered on the highway by a rougue moose.

My allergies are kicking tail today. My eyes feel like firey pits in the fruit of my stuffy head. I want nothing more than to nap the day away. I would so like to get over this feeling of constantly being in need of sleep. It’s really a drain. I’ve been trying to get more done in the mornings – this morning didn’t go so well as I was up late last night – and I seem to feel better about myself when I do. Still having a hard time adjusting my needs to suite the new schedule, but I’m working on it. It would be easier if the others in my home would bend to my will, but alas… Having Boy home in the morning has been something I wasn’t really expecting. We’ve come to an agreement that, even though blasting his music at full volume helps him wake up, he’s not allowed to do it until I leave the house. (This also gives the neighbors a break until a decent hour!) (Hey, didn’t we all do that as kids? I sure did. As soon as Mom left the house I was grabbing my Boston/Journey/Supertramp and heading for the strictly forbidden stereo.)

I’m still mulling over my last post. Surgery is not an option right. Too risky; too expensive. But I just don’t seem to have it in me to do what it will take to make this work, right now. What would it take? It would take carving out time for exercise and weight training – at least an hour a day, no exception. It would take cutting certain foods out of my life completely. I am an addict when it comes to food and there are just some things I cannot say, “No” to – or at least I can’t say, “Enough”. It would take carving out time to plan, plan, plan, plan, plan. It would take practice and patience and being assertive while trying not to be bitchy. It would take talking the family into supporting me and not enabling me. It would take lots and lots of work. And all I hear when I think of the work is the little me inside my head whining, “But I don’t wannnt toooooo!” [Insert foot stomp.]

And did I mention that I would have to do this for the rest of my life? And that it’s never going to get easier? It will only get harder? I did? Well, crappity.

The thing that keeps me on the edge, however, is the knowledge that if I decide to give up and stop monitoring every morsel of food that passes my lips I will – no doubt about it – end up gaining weight and I will keep on gaining weight until I become the woman who never leaves the house and has to have the fireman come and rescue her. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to be the woman I was last summer – just without the never-ending denial. (Oh, and those of you how believe that crap that WW feeds us about “not depriving” ourselves of our favorite foods? Well, there’s some denial right there.) The kind of weight loss I’m talking about cannot be accomplished without serious deprivation. The key has got to be finding a non-food substitute.

Which is where I lose myself every time. What makes me feel as good as eating? What comforts me like food? What can I do instead?

So, yeah. Still thinking…