The Here And The Now

You know the expression:  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I feel like I should feel that way today.

Around Easter, my Mom (we call her Nana) came by to tell me that she was having a biopsy.  From the moment she told me, I knew that it was not “nothing”.   They found it blessedly early and the lumpectomy was a huge success.  Now she has a summer of radiation to look forward to, but at least she is cancer-free.   This is wonderful news as my Mom is quite young and we’d like to keep her around for a while.  (If only to care for my Grandmother, heh.)

Ironically, I had the pink referral slip in my purse for my mammogram.  I had skipped the last one.  They’re uncomfortable and difficult for me as my girls are of  a size not usually found in nature.  I’m a big girl and they have to drag out the special equipment when it’s my turn.  But this news kind of kicked my butt in gear and off I went.  (The whole process took less than 30 minutes and I’ve spent much longer in discomfort for much less.  Check your chest!)  Wouldn’t you know, the doctors are calling me and telling me I need to see a surgeon, too?  WTF!

Long story short, my particular issue could not be resolved by the usual ultrasound, core biopsy method.  I needed a surgical biopsy.  I had it last week and the results came back yesterday that I did not have cancer.  I don’t have anything but fatty tissue in the girls.  Praise be.

This is good news all around.  I am finding out I can’t afford to have cancer.  We have wonderful insurance and there is very little out of pocket medical expense, but I’m a contract worker and don’t get paid for the time I don’t work.  I ended up taking three days off for this surgery – an extra day than I expected – and that’s money I won’t have at the end of the week.  We need both of our paychecks to make ends meet and I can’t imagine what having to take off for radiation/chemo/further surgeries would have done to our finances.  (Luckily, my mother has good insurance and a wealth of time off, but even she is looking at the summer with caution.)

I’m getting a little off topic here.  My point is this:  I don’t have cancer.

Yay.

I had so been preparing myself for the worst news, that I don’t know how to go about celebrating the best news.  Selfishly, I think about the fact that I no longer have the “What if I have cancer” excuse to over-indulge.  Life has returned to “normal” instantly and I’m expected to fall in line.  At the same time, I feel like I should take stock of “normal” and see if maybe it needs adjusting.  A little tweaking if you will.  What could I be doing better?  What have I been denying myself that I shouldn’t?  What have I been indulging in that maybe I shouldn’t as well?

The main thing I need to get back on track is my health.  I had lost a significant amount of weight a while ago and somehow, over the course of the last 6-9 months have put almost all of it back on.  The questions I’m asking myself these days are hard to answer.  Why did I start making the inappropriate choices?  I stopped saying, “No” and stopped moving.  I not only gave up the exercise and healthy eating habits, I gave up hobbies and fun and chose to stay home in a coccoon.  I don’t know why, but I know I have to turn it around.   This last month might have been a lot less invasive and difficult if I had not gained back that weight, let alone if I had continued to lose.  Where would I be now?