Reflections

It’s snowing again.  The new year always brings snow, it seems.  This snow is beautiful and light and washes away the dirty snow of days past.  It makes me want to walk in it and feel the quiet.

I feel like I should be doing a 2009 recap.  The problem I’m having is finding something memorable about the year that I want to post.  It seems a year of moving backward for me instead of moving forward.  I feel as if I end the year not a bit wiser than I started.  For the most part, I think my year ’09 was owned by my job.  A year when I came home every day feeling defeated and exhausted.  It was a year when I cracked  10,000 games of solitare just trying to ignore the day.

My most enjoyable time would surely have to be the time I spent at sea.  Our cruise of Cape Cod islands was wonderful and such a peaceful escape.  The ports were fun, but my favorite times were spent sitting on the top deck behind the wheelhouse just watching the sea pass.  There is nothing for me as wonderful as being on a boat, and now on a ship.

My health this year was eclipsed by the surgery I’d been anticipating for years.  It went well, with only a small post-op glitch, and enforced my knowledge that however challenging my anatomy, I heal well and have a high threshold for pain.

I was blessed most this year by the people in my life.  Old friendships were re-kindled, to my delight.  Other opportunities were passed.  I feel like I finally have learned how to let go of some of the people in my life.  Not in a way that closes doors forever, but in a way that allows me to release my responsibility for the relationship.  This may not make sense to you, but it is a huge step for me.

Tragedy, once again, passed our doorstep.   Aside from the loss of my beautiful first dog, I have lost no one near and dear.    I am grateful for each year I continue to hold my parents close and my family boasts good health.  I was witness to the miracle of new life in ways I have not before been and it was wonderful.   I brought a second dog into my life to annoy and delight me in a whole new way.

The holidays have been blessed with love and family and food, food, food.  As much as I loved being off, I think we’ll all benefit from a return to routine.

What do I want from 2010?  I want a shift in my priorities.  I want to brush off the dust of the last twelve months and go quickly into a new future.  I want to adjust my focus to those I love.  I want to do the right things.  I want to get to the end of 2010 and know that I did not just spin my wheels for 52 weeks.  I want to find my creativity and spark and I want to laugh… a lot.

Welcome, New Year.  Come on in.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this…

I am unhappy with my life right now.

I wonder, sometimes, if I tracked my unhappiness and presented it to my physician if we wouldn’t discover some bipolar symptoms.  I don’t think so. But I still wonder.

I’m in the same boat everyone else is in these days.  I’m not special.  I hate my job.  I’m having problems making ends meet. I worry about my relationships.  I’m not always the person I want to be; sometimes not even the one I think I should be.

I feel like I’m looking for something I’ve lost.

Earlier in the week I was painting at a friends house.  Her husband had drawn a cartoon mural on the wall and all that was left to do was to color it in.  For some reason that act of painting within the lines was just so calming.  One would hardly call it creative, as neither the design, nor the colors were my choice, but it was as close as I’ve gotten lately.  And I miss that.

How Much Does My Uterus Weigh?

I’m not doing so well at my attempts to update more regularly, am I? Hmmm. Wonder what that says about me? This may be a multiple update day, just to get things in order.

On the diet front…I’m just not. Don’t know what happened – as usual – but one slip turned into another and another and I’ve been watching the scale – evil beast – go in the other direction for a couple of weeks now. Part of it is has to do with my impending surgery (more on that later). Part of it is just same old; same old. I feel bad; I need comfort. I am disappointed in myself and my attempts to regain focus. But, there is always a new day around the corner, right?

I will be having surgery next Wednesday to evict my uterus. We haven’t been on speaking terms for some time and the GYN and I decided I don’t really want to spend another four or more years dealing with it. I am hoping its absence will take care of a couple of other issues I’ve been having for a couple of years and in the end I will feel much better. In my dreams I awaken from the surgery on the best drugs medical science can provide and a couple of weeks later emerge from my drug induced state a happier, healther, thinner person. But in the light of day I am aware that this is going to do nothing for the pain in my knees and hips, I will probably gain weight, and the fact that I am not getting paid for this time off is only going to increase my levels of stress.

And that is if everthing goes completely as planned.

The cool thing about the surgery is that it’s being done by the DaVinci robot. You’ll have to look it up on the interwebs because I am too lazy to link it, but if you’re a “Grey’s Anatomy” fan you’ve already seen it. I totally thought it was a made up thing until the Dr. started talking about it. When he saw my excitement he got excited, too. You can tell he loves his new toy. To describe it briefly, I will be on a surgical table with a machine over me that has these thin tentacles with tiny incisors (about the width of a pencil) and the doc will be controlling everything from a console about 10 feet away. It is so cool and futuristic! One of the main points of using this technology is the Dr. gets a close up 3-D view of the workings without invasive procedures. Instead of the smiley face from hip to hip, I will be getting tiny, tiny holes in three of four places. This makes the risk of infection much lower and speeds recovery time by quite a bit.

The bad news about the recovery time being short is that I need to be off for more than two weeks before my short-term disability kicks in and two weeks is the projected recovery period. (Keep in mind, of course, that my job is no more strenuous than what I’m doing right now.) Financial worrys are bringing me down, people, and I really wish we had gone ahead and done this last year. But that wasn’t what the universe had planned.

One good thing about this is that will never have to take birth control pills again. That’s going to save me $30 a month right there. The GYN thought he would be sweet and gave me a couple of samples to get me through to the surgery. Which should have been fine, except that I don’t think they were the same perscription. We decided that I would only take the white pill so that I would be able to throw away all my “feminine” products, but somehow my uterus managed to rebel. I had two weeks of inconsitanty accompanied by the worst PMS in the world and I had enough. I quit taking the pills. I feel much better but things are no perfect by any means. One week from right now I’ll be fixing that for good.

And I should lose some weight during my recovery, considering I will be home alone with the Boy most of the time. He doesn’t cook at ALL. Thank goodness there’s a McDonald’s on the corner or I will surely starve.

Tuesday Monday

Back at work means back on track. It’s much easier to plan my meals and snacks when I’m working. There’s breakfast to eat either at home or on the go and then I just pack my lunch and my two or three snacks. I don’t always eat everything I bring with me, but at least I know I have healthy stuff within reach. I’m less likely to succumb to the evil, expensive, and not very tasty cafeteria when I am prepared.

Not that the vending machine doesn’t call to me. It still does. And one or two times a week I will feed it a dollar and punch 110 into the keypad. A lovely bag of Baked Ruffles – Sour Cream and Cheddar flavor – will then drop for my enjoyment. It soothes my desire for artificial orange cheese powder.

Happily, I managed to still lose a pound this past week, putting me at 18 pounds down and meeting my first goal, whatever that was. My next goal is 25 lbs by August 1st. That will allow me to sit comfortably in the seats at Pine Knob for the concert and will banish any problems I might have on vacation later that month.

Yesterday I ate light all day, knowing we had planned to grill burgers. I enjoyed my one burger. (Not two or a burger and a dog; just a burger.) I enjoyed my one helping of roasted redskin potatoes and pasta salad. (But seriously! The calories in that pasta salad are not worth it. I’ll have to come up with something better.) I enjoyed time with my family. And went I wanted something else; something sweet, I took a brisk walk up to the Custard Corner and had some ice cream.

I love having the Custard Corner near us. First, it’s a mile walk from my house, two miles round trip, so that makes the trip guilt free. Second, they serve this thing called Skinny Dip (?) that has 10 calories per ounce. I found out last night that they will use it to make a “Flurrie” so there’s not even any feeling of deprivation. (Frozen custard is way too rich for my lactose intolerant self anyway.)

And today was Tuesday, which is boy’s guitar lesson day. I always drive him, which gives us one-on-one time to talk. (For 20 minutes, anyway, but he seems to open up more on these trips.) When the weather is cooperative, I take the dog and we go one one of two or three mile-plus loops while the boy has his lesson.

They have sidewalks, which is something we don’t have, and can someone please explain why it seems easier to walk farther distances if there are sidewalks? Is it the blocks? Is it just that I’m bored with my neighborhood? Cause hiking never poses a problem either.

Anyway, feeling better. Feeling on track. Making more plans for the summer. Connecting with friends. And tomorrow is Wednesday, which means the week that just started is half over. Yippee!

Staycation ‘09

Last week, before my double long weekend, I was doing well on the weight loss front. I was down 17 lbs in four weeks, which is a good start no matter how I look at it. I was eating consciously; feeling great. I did a little extra celebrating over that weekend with friends and family, but it seemed to not be a problem.

Then I found myself home, alone and bored (???) during my days off. Bad, bad news.

Lots of time on my hands and a sudden influx of cash and I found myself cele-feasting with friends, with my son, using low blood sugar as an excuse to eat where I know I shouldn’t.

Today is our anniversary. You would think the husband and I would be spending it together. But we didn’t. We went grocery shopping, had dinner with my mother. Then he went about his “list” of things to fill up his weekend and I went shopping with the Nana.

Shopping that included – after an especially heavy lunch – a trip to an ice cream parlor and dinner at of pizza (with appetizer).

I know when I step on that scale Monday morning I will have gained weight. I know this like I know my name.

I want to lose another 25 lbs by my birthday – a little over two months away. This is doable for me. But I have to work at it. I have to stay on track.

I have to remember how much better it feels when I do good things for myself instead of punishing myself.

I’m stopping the lapse this time. Stopping it now.

WW Attempt Number Whatever – Day 1

So, here I am counting points again. Trying hard to remember what worked for me last time. I had fun going to the grocery last night and really shopping for the best choices instead of just piling food in the cart. Watching portion control and tracking everything is going to be my biggest challenge. (which is why I’m doing the online thing this time.)

Another reason why I’m doing this online is because the meetings haven’t been all that helpful to me in the past. I had a great leader last time, but she has since quit the program and her substitutes didn’t work well for me. It’s extremely difficult for me to relate to someone who is a lifetime member after losing 20 or 30 pounds. I need to lose half of my body weight in order to make goal. There are not a lot of people who can relate to this struggle. (And the ones that can don’t usually make through more than a few weeks of meetings.) (There are special meetings for members who need to lose more than 100 pounds, but they are few and far between.)

So far, Day 1 has worked out well. I found a breakfast that works for me, although I need something with a little more staying power, and one thing being extremely overweight gives you is tons of points. I don’t know what I’m going to have for dinner since I have almost half of my daily points left!

I’m glad I made this decision and I know the time is right. Saturday – one of the most truely gorgeous days God ever made – I felt horrible all day. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping and the only thing I can attribute it to is my consumption of copious amounts of pizza for dinner and breakfast.

I don’t promise success, mostly because I don’t know what made me stop trying when I was so successfull last time. But I have the right attitude now and I’m going to keep giving it a shot.

I just don’t like the alternative.

Today’s recommendations: Quaker mini rice cakes in Kettle Korn flavor – 0 points per serving and they taste better than the real Kettle Korn I bought at the Craft Show on Saturday.

Still The Bright Side

I’m really enjoying the new work schedule. I’ve been going at 6:30 every morning and by the time lunch rolls around most of the day is gone. Unfortunately, we’re still at that stage where we need to work ridiculously long and hard in order to make the stupid deadlines we’ve contracted. At least working this shift I can work 10.5 hours and still get out with some of my day left.

Or go to bed at 7:30 like I did last week. Whichever works.

I’m still pushing my “new attitude”. Coming in every day with the intention of having it be a good day. I don’t understand the people that come into work in a bad mood. Do you expect something to change that? And if you’re in a bad mood because of home, at least you’re not there, right?

I know. Or I don’t know, I should say. I don’t know what others are going through. They don’t know what I’m going through either, though. And I would much rather spend my 10 hours with people who are pleasant that with those who are surly.

Which is not to say that it didn’t cheese me when my boss sent back to back memos, the first stating he would be on vacation next week; the second asking if we could cancel any vacation we had planned because of the workload.

Yeah, Mr. Tool, you got it.

Gratitudalarity

I’ve been reminded by someone dear that I used to enjoy writing in this here blog.  Good times, indeed.  And it got me to thinkin’ that I just have to stop letting my job and the economy suck all the joy from my life.  (Yes, I know my friends have been trying to tell me this for weeks/months, but I’m remedial in the clue catagory.)   I cannot go through life anymore feeling like my head is about to explode any minute from the stress.

Well…I suppose I could, but let’s just pretend I don’t want to.  Truth be told, it’s not very productive.

I haven’t been good company lately, either.  Not for my friends and certainly not for my family.  I had coffee with my dear friend yesterday and the entire time I just wanted to be elsewhere.  I blamed it on her personality not being “right” for me at this point in time, but looking back on it, I think I could have been the negative one this time.

I’ve decided, as part of this new attitude to look toward gratitude.  (Poet…know it!)  This won’t always be where I write these things down, and I might not always “write them down” at all.  But I feel like I need to become more aware and more present in the gifts of the universe.  Something I remember once knowing how to do very well.

Practice makes perfect, let’s start with today:

• I made it to work by 6:30 am, giving me time to both enjoy the benefits of the overtime offered and get out early enough to make my emergency dentist appointment.
• Since I used up my forced days off last week, this week’s overtime (to cover the people who were forced to take time off this week) actually counts as overtime!
• I was able to get the last appointment of the day with the dentist and the treatment of my broken tooth/filling required only Novocaine and no happy gas.  How far I’ve come as a dental patient!
• Today’s appointment was very reasonably priced, making my return appointment next week for a new crown not quite the budget killer it might of been.
• The day that started with a lovely skate into work turned warm and sunny by the time I made it out of there.  (I just love spring in the Mitten.)
• The dentist also clued me into the fact that Novocaine can cause a drop in blood sugar, which may have been the cause of my past fainting spells (two).  Therefore; enjoying my dinner of Thai Peanut noodles, with chicken and broccoli was not only tasty but restorative.
• “Ow! My tooth!” is just the excuse I need to lay about with the dog for an hour.

It’s a bit tainted by my super-power, sarcasm, but it’s a start.

Now I’m off to my suprima cotton Land’s End nightgown, my high thread-count sheets, and the book I am currently enjoying.  Hopefully, this is not the last you’ll hear from me. : )

Light On The Drive Home

It’s the sunshine. There’s so much of it compared to just a week or two ago. We’re out of February, heinous month that it is, and whipping into March. Definitely in like a Lion, but a pretty lion. One that will let you pet its mane.

Last night I saw my first robin, although they say they don’t all migrate anymore, and this evening the remains of a skunk. Roadkill is a sure sign of spring.

I cannot wait for that first day when I can open the doorwall and step out onto the deck in my bare feet. When I can feel the warmth of the sun baked into the wood and see the buds on the lilac tree.

True, it is only a few weeks later that I will be cursing the heat. But spring, as short lived as it may be, is wonderful and worth being held prisoner by the feral drafts of February.

I am ready. You may bring on spring.

Getting It Together

I am on day one of a long weekend. I decided, rather impulsively, that I needed some down time. Some me time. Some alone time. Right now, I am here at home in my PJs and it’s just me and the dog. I like this. Can’t tell you the last time I was home alone like this.

I love my family, but an only child has this need for solitude that multiples just don’t understand. My son gets it. My husband doesn’t.

I haven’t been writing, not because I have nothing to say. (Lord knows my mouth likes to run.) But because work has been so busy as to cause me physical pain. One wouldn’t imagine a desk job could be so exhausting but I’ve been hit with shoulder and hip pain and recently this annoying ache in my left thumb joint.

Someone call the whambulance.

Seriously, I’ve just been avoiding the computer at home since I am spending hours a day attached to it at work.

And I’ve gotten over my job suckage issues for the most part. I’ve been designated a “Level 3 SME” which is kind of like a promotion, or at least a recognition of my experience and skills. It’s like getting a pat on the head and we all know how happy that makes me. : )

I’m also trying to enjoy home more. Enjoy being with the people I love who do make me happy. I’m trying to learn to leave my job issues at the work place.

Which brings us to the weather. Holy crap it’s snowing again. I guess if it’s going to be sub-zero freezing it might as well be snowing but I feel like the weather is holding my captive these days. I’ve had to cancel too many plans because of it.

And that’s it. I’m spending more time on facebook these days just because it’s easier to do at work – a line here and there. Surprisingly, I’ve connected with a couple of old friends and answered some of those MOL questions that were plaguing me.