The weight loss is going fine. Slow and Steady. Right on course. I’m almost down to my low weight for the year, before the Horrible Jelly Bean Tequila Disaster. That makes me feel pretty good, on the one hand, and fills me with dread on the other. Because I have to step it up now.
But that’s not why I’m here, today.
Today, I’m here to talk about all the other shit.
I feel like I finally might be getting a handle on our budget. At the very least, we’ll be back on track by the end of September. I’ve been telling myself, “NO!” a lot. I’ve been living off birthday gift cards, pre-purchased entertainment, etc. I’ve been living without that one thing I was going to buy. I’ve been believing that a slow-moving cashier is a sign from God that I don’t really need the whatever-it-was.
Last weekend, I rewarded myself with a trip to the Stamping/Scrapping stores where I picked up a buttload of Smash Journal supplies and a Hero Arts Stamp that I have been denying myself for about six months. I used the money that we saved on groceries by buying – wait for it! – only the things we need!!! Genius. (Of course, that means this week will be twice as much because we have to stock the Mormon pantry again. Feh.)
I have to be nicer to her. She is enjoying her retirement. She is a grown person who can spend her money and dress as she likes. No matter how crazy it makes me.
I don’t know what to do. The damned kid never comes out of his room. He’s perfectly happy to work five hours a week for an idiot manager and a greasy hamburger joint. Why shouldn’t he be? No one is making HIM buy his own gas, electricity, internet, clothes…you get the picture. Unfortunately, I cannot yell at him. It makes ME cry.
The real problem.
I don’t know what to do here. I know it’s not me and at the same time I cannot help but think it IS me. Right now, I am at a point in my life where I feel like I need to be more selfish with my time. (I know, right? How could I possibly be MORE selfish?) I feel like I NEED to start working on me again, to get back to that person I used to love. To get back to that girl who woke up EVERY DAY happy.
The sheer ugliness of his daily mood makes me feel like I’m a prisoner. We’ve been going through this for 10 years. It’s gotten progressively worse until now I feel like I must leave the house in order to escape it. It isn’t enough to go to the office and try to hide inside my computer, because he follows me there and stands at the door way talking about how lonely he is downstairs.
So I stop doing what I’m doing and go downstairs.
So I can listen to him talk about how much he hates (insert random values here). He doesn’t want to have a conversation, because when I’m talking he’s watching TV. He just wants someone to listen to him rant about traffic/weather/people/sports/his god-awful job. He is not interested in feedback. He is not interested in making the situation better. He is not interested in change. As a matter of fact, he fears change so much, the slightest difference from one day to the next sends him straight over the edge.
Last night, it was the Tigers and the remote control that sent him raging.
How, how, how can you be pissed off about your favorite baseball team when they are FIVE GAMES ahead in their division? How can you be sure that a 1-0 game in the bottom of the 6th inning is going to end in defeat? (It didn’t! )
So then, he’s looking for another show to watch and can’t figure out the new remote for the new TV provider. The one that I laid on top of the detailed diagram where it explains what each button does. The one they have videos to watch that will explain how it works. The one I’ve tried to explain how to operate numerous times. (Of course, when a person is explaining that this red button is used to get to On Demand, it is helpful if you look at that person.)
Also, since all the buttons are labeled, then, yes, Darling. It would be helpful if you had your glasses on. It would also be helpful if you didn’t give up and throw things like a four-year-old when it takes a minute to figure something out.
It’s no accident that they use the Serenity Prayer in AA. Cause, Dude, you SO need to learn to accept the things you cannot change and need the wisdom to know the difference. (Hint: Whether and traffic? Totally not in your control.)
I would so rather have a messy house and weedy lawn and someone who loves me.
I have to go back to work. Thanks for reading my rant.