NEW DAY; NEW DIET

Well, I just have to say how proud I am of my Boy.  He not only got his recognition for April’s Student of the Month award last night, but also and award for Outstanding Achievement in Social Studies.  (Something that had his Dad also beaming.)  Not bad for a kid they wanted to kick out of Kindergarten.  I was almost as tickled at the giant hugs we got afterward.  I have to say that’s one of my favorite things about the Boy.  He’s not afraid to hug his family in public.  (It might be adding to his Geek factor, but with two more years of High School left, I’d rather he have attributes that will serve him as an adult.)

It was funny watching these kids - all the underclassmen - go up for their awards.  There were the one or two showboaters, and the handful of overachievers (a 4.09 grade average?  Really?), but for the most part there were students getting subtle kudos like my kid.  A few looked embarassed that they had to participate in the fuss (hoodie-wearing, skinny-jeaned, Emos) but for the most part all the girls dressed alike (long peasant blouse over capri leggings with ballet flats/flip flops) and all the boys dressed alike (dress pants/kahki’s, dress shirt over tee and/or tie).  The girls were all twig thin and the boys were all tall and gangly - except the ones that were short and stocky and the ones getting the phys ed awards.  I thought often that I was glad I wasn’t competing with these girls in high school.  Jiminy, someone get that girl a cracker!

There was one standout boy.  A tall, long-haired blond wearing a short sleeved, pinstriped shirt - tails out - with a white tie over khaki board shorts and flip flops.  I leaned over to husband and said, “Spicoli?”.  Too funny.

Mercifully, it went quickly and wasn’t too boring.

This just in…

My foot is better today.  Yesterday I could barely walk and today I’m managing to limp only a little.  God, doesn’t it seem like I’m falling apart?  I don’t know whether the cause of the pain is a heel spur - something that plagues me sometimes - or “Fred” pressing on the nerve in my back.  I’m tending to think the latter only because it’s worse this week for no apparent reason and then better for no apparent reason.

I got my new glasses.  I was right when I thought there was a problem with my left after Lasik.  It was over corrected, so now I need glasses for reading and computer work.  And for looking cute.  The Boy still hasn’t had his come in yet and he was almost blind!  I’m kind of concerned… (But imagine what he can do when he can see!)

Trying to get Boy started on finding a job.  In past years that wouldn’t be too much of a problem.  We live in a pretty commercial area with lots of fast food eateries and stores about, but in the current economy he’ll be competing with adults trying to put food on the table and keep up their mortgages.  At least the soul-devouring process of applying for work will strengthen him.

Speaking of mortgages:  Yes, I did get spam from my last entry and, No, there will be no refi at this time.  It seems that the value of said home has fallen enough to make it impossible to reduce our monthly payment.  We’ll try again in about a year.  (At least this time I did the math before I paid the fees!  Der.) 

Okay.  It’s lunch time.  Must go.

This is the day.  The day of the month where if I weren’t on medication, I’d spend the entirety curled up in a ball on the bed mainlining macaroni and cheese.  Ugh.  (And, of course, the very knowledge of the existence of “Fred” means that I now feel the pain 10-fold.)  This is also the day where I totally misunderstand everything that comes out of my bosses mouth.  Mmmm-hmmm.  To the point where I just had to stuff a Jolly Rancher in my gob and call it a day rather than get into it with her as to whether or not she told me to do something or implied that I should do something.  (The latter, of course, being too complicated for my hormone-addled brain to figure out.)  It’s not just her, though, because when Husband answered an email with , “Yes”, I had to go back to him and state, “Yes, What?”  Because in my head I had asked him about four questions and in reality I had only asked one.

Oh, well!

Good things are happening.  Really.   To people who really, really deserve it.  And that makes me happy.

Speaking of happy… the whole clan is moseying over to the high school tomorrow night to watch my Boy get an award.  I don’t know what it’s for, but it seems like kind of a big deal.  I’m all tickled.  Better than that, he’s tickled! 

I was trolling the internet looking at mortgage rates.  I think it might be time to put the petal to the metal and refinance.  We’ve got this weird home equity loan that we need to wrap into our mortgage payment before too much longer or there will be a ginormous balloon payment due.  Can’t deal.  So we’ve been puttering around waiting for the rate to drop.  But the rate isn’t dropping nearly as fast as the value of our home, so I think now is the time.  One bank had a suggestion of a lower interest rate than what we’re paying now, with a payment just slightly higher, and a much shorter term.  That seems pretty attractive right now.  The only problem is if the payment continues to rise each year, like it has been, we’ll be screwed.

And, yes, I just realized that using the word mortgage has made a spam-magnet.

Oh, look.  Time to go sleep and eat.

I haven’t updated here in forever and I really can’t tell you why.  Maybe because the things that I want to rant about are trivial in comparison to the things that are going on in other people’s lives right now.  Maybe because when I’m in a good mood, I feel almost like I don’t deserve it in the face of what is going on in other people’s lives right now.

Maybe…I’m just bored of myself.

Regardless, I am updating today.

1. Mother’s Day was lovely.  The weather was a little on the crap side, but we had no solid plans for outdoor activities, so that was okay.  The four of us - what has now become our nucleus - went out to dinner at a new restaurant we’ve been meaning to try.  The food was wonderful, the prices excellent, but the atmosphere was not what we’d expected and the service was on the bad side of acceptable.  Nana and I decided we’d definately go back again, but I think the Husband was a strong, “No.”  I took Nana to see “Made of Honor” which was every bit exactly what I thought it was.  It held my attention, I guess, but the point is that she enjoyed it.
2. I missed the end of “Survivor” only because I still struggle with the fricken’ DVR.  I forgot that they announce the winner at the reunion show and that’s a separate listing in the schedule.  Duh!  Whatever, I guess, since that skank Parvarti won.  (Erik, Erik, Erik.  You are soooo naive!)
3. I’ve had a couple of stressful doctor’s appointments (this is called burying the lead) in the last few weeks.  One being the annual boob mashing exercises (which really hurt after all my surgeries on that one side).  I was extremely nervous about this one because I had feeling a lump for about a month, but it turned out to be benign.  (YAY!)  Apparently, this is going to make me nervous every spring for the rest of my life, I don’t know.  The other test was more invasive, embarassing, painful…the whole gamut, but we got the results immediately and found out that I have this giganitic uterine fibroid (HELLO!  TMI!).  For some reason this doesn’t worry me as much as it makes me go , “Hah!  I told you so!”  I would say I’ve had this thing for about 10 years and didn’t realize until recently that everyone doesn’t go through what I’ve been going through.  (Lesson to be learned:  If you’re not satisfied with your doctor, change!)  There is another test next Monday and then we discuss what to do about this thing.  (I think I’ve named it Fred, because looking at it on the ultrasound?  Bigger than my kid.) 
4. Husband is trying so hard to be his sweet self.  He’s really hating his job right now and he and I have had to go around about it a few times.  I appreciate his plight, but cannot abide coming home to someone in a foul, foul mood each and every night.  Something has to give.  His attitude seems to be that of someone hitting their head repeatedly against a wall.  I remember when I used to be like that about every little thing.  (Now I’m only like that about my weight!)   I recommend therapy and medication.  Or at least medication.

That’s it, I guess. I have a couple of friends going through horrors with their children.  Please keep them in your thoughts as they try to do the best they can.  I thank god every night that things continue to be wonderful with my Boy.  I don’t know why he is never sick and never in trouble, but I am grateful.  On the rare occasion that we do talk about it, I find he is aware and grateful, too, that he has a good situation to come home to every day.  What can make me more proud than that?

1. We’ve been kind of busy at work, which always affects my blogging capabilities.  Aside from that, I’ve been doing some off-line, hard copy journaling to try and corral some thoughts that are best kept to myself.
2. Still dealing with fallout from Grandma.  Who would know that someone’s death would have such never-ending ephemera attached to it?  (I just accidentally picked up the phone and dialed her phone number, so there’s the whole mental ephemera, too.)
3. I was pleased as punch last Friday when I got an email from someone at a regional magazine stating they were interested in using some of my photos…until I searched flickr and got over a thousand similar images.  Hmmm.  (Too big for your britches, much?)  I don’t think there would be money involved, but I’d feel pretty special if one of my shots was actually published.
4. Now that the flora are blooming (because Day-em, it is so gorgeous) I really need to get out and start clicking again.  I haven’t taken photos of anything but my great-niece in so long.
5. The high price of gas is actually starting to impact my life.  I don’t care for it.
6. The Husband turned 52 this week.  Don’t call him.  It makes him cranky and interrupts his “schedule” when people love him.  ; )
7. I have booked a fancy downtown hotel for me and Nana to go to Nashville in October. Never give me money cause I’ll just spend it all on travel and fancy hotels, I guess.
8. Speaking of which, since my birthday is on a Friday this year, I think I’m going to take my friend up on her offer to help me get a good deal on travel to NYC.  (But, see above.)
9. The Husband didn’t like my idea of getting me a tent for Mother’s Day.  Don’t you think a mother should get the thing she wants on Mother’s Day?  (Target has a great little tent for 30 dollars.  And it’s red!)
10. I finished my summer wardrobe shopping last night.  Tonight I plan to pack away all of my winter stuff and maybe donate some of the suits that have been cluttering up my closet since three jobs ago.  (Especially since I never plan to wear pantyhose again.)

I hate to brag, but we have had three of the most beautiful days, weatherwise.  As the Husband wondered, “What did we do to deserve two beautiful weekend days in a row?”  What, indeed!  Saturday, I was still susupicious, but by Sunday I knew that we had turned the corner.  The bikers were out!  Both kinds!  I was thinking of my friend all weekend and hoping that she had the time to ride her shiney new bike in the warm sunshine!  Keep reading →

Last week I was talking with the Husband and he mentioned that his coworker was about to reach the 100 pound milestone in her weight-loss.  Back in September, she had Gastric Bypass surgery.  I am well aquainted with this woman so I am always interested in her progress.  She’s doing so well that when she was at our house for Christmas, I didn’t recognize her.

During the previous year, I had researched what my insurance company would require in order for me to have a weight-loss surgery (WLS).  After losing so much on WW and then gaining it all back, I was feeling a little desperate and searching for answers.  I totally fit the profile of a surgical candidate and my doctor (at the time) could attest to how other programs have not worked for me in the past.   But the Husband and I talked about it and he found it way too, too risky, so I let it go.  A few months later, I received notice from my insurance company that they would consider WLS to be cosmetic, now, and would only cover a certain (low) percentage.

Fast forward to this week where Husband is now telling me that if I want to have the surgery, we’ll find a way to make it work.   Since “you seem to be bringing it up more often.”

 The hell????  You’re the one who brought it up!

I’ve never felt the surgery would work for me in the long run.  It requires a committment to diet and exercise that is rigid, to say the least.  (I’ve always felt, and have said before, that if I could make that committment, I’d do it now and skip the surgery.)  And, yes, we could probably cover the surgery with the money Grandma left us, but what about the six weeks of work (and pay) I’d miss?  We can’t take a financial hit like that.

Still, I spent a day last week doing more research.  What I found are a lot of blogs that end abruptly two to three years post-op, and others that detail serious health issues that have cropped up after WLS.  Almost all of them address some point at which weight regain became an issue.  (Reference all the latest hoopla surrounding Carnie Wilson.)

Basically, it comes down to this:  I don’t stop eating when I’m full now.

You’re tired of hearing it and I’m tired of saying it. But I did make a committment to myself this weekend that I’m makes me proud. 

I joined a gym in my neighborhood.

It’s a nice little place; clean and bright.  It has a small number of showers and a small number of lockers.  But it has the hours I want and the location I want and the price I want.  Also, look at all of those eliptical trainers!  And, so what if I have to bring my own towel, shampoo, and padlock (mine is blue!)?  It’s literally around the corner from my home!

I went Sunday and signed up.  While I was there (much to the surprise of the gentleman behind the desk) I thought I’d throw in a carido session.  I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at level pathetic and then thought I would do 10 minutes on the eliptical to finish it off.

My ass thought better of it. 

I think I did maybe 5 minutes before my legs started to give out.  It’s been way, way too long since I’ve been doing that type of thing.  I’m going to have to work up to it. 

I just have to remember how great I felt the rest of the day.  I had every intention of going home and crashing, but after about 30 minutes of rest, I really didn’t feel like laying around. 

Anyway, that’s my committment for now.  To get back to a healthy workout routine.  Then we can work on the food issues. 

It feels good to be in control of something.

These holiday weeks get me all confuddled.  I’ve alternately thought it was Monday and Thursday today.  It’s not.  It’s only Wednesday.  But then it feels like Tuesday because I had Monday off. 

Whatever.

 Where I work they give us Good Friday and Easter Monday off.  They do not pay us for these days, but we don’t get to come to work either.  Now that I make a fairly decent wage, I don’t mind so much.  But I’m not trying to feed a family of six on my salary alone, either.

Friday was fun.  I spent a good chunck of the day with BF and her daughter.  We sandwiched lunch between shopping excursions and I popped my sushi cherry at Sushi Zen.  It’s a wonderful little place that I can’t wait to get back to.  I really surprised myself by how much I loved the sushi.  (Did you know that you don’t have to eat raw fish to have sushi?  I didn’t either, for a long time.)  Aside from the pickled ginger, which tasted a lot like furniture polish and is still repeating on me when I least expect it, I enjoyed everything I sampled in my little Bento Box.  We polished off the meal with Ginger, Red Bean, and Green Tea ice cream scoops.  I was partial to the Red Bean and liked the Green Tea, also.  Alas, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel the same about Ginger.

The rest of the weekend failed in comparison to Friday’s fun.  With the possible exception of Easter Dinner with the SIL, that is.  Any time spent in the presence of my grand-niece is appreciated.  And my Mom came along this year as she would be otherwise orphaned.  She seemed to enjoy herself.

The rest of the time I have spent doing crossword puzzles.  I had picked up a book from Grandma’s things and when I finished that one, I bought two more.  As with all new projects, I became completely obsessed.  I even brought them to work to keep me busy during the down time.   They aren’t the difficult New York Times- type puzzles, but they’re fun.  I like the way the pen feels on the paper and enjoy the tiny bit of vocabulary building they bring.  (Last night I rocked the catagory on Jeopardy that consisted of 3-letter answers.)  Mostly, they are a mind-numbing time-suck that made me feel more productive than the PC game that I usually use for that purpose.

What I would truely like is a vacation from myself and the day-to-day of my life right now.  This has been a sucky year so far and with the endless details involved in the death of a near-and-dear, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be picking up soon.  My mother is at loose ends, understandably, and her previously needy behavior has turned to clingy and completely dependent.  (And even when she isn’t, I worry about her and seek reasurrance that she is okay.)

Last weekend we borrowed a friend’s truck to move the remaining furnishings from Grandma’s apartment to various places about town.  Even though Mom insisted that this would be the last time I’d have to deal with the apartment duties, I could tell from the git that wasn’t going to be the case.  While she had moved things around here and there, in the two weeks since my last visit to the apartment, it didn’t look like anything had been removed.  All of the bags for charity were still there.  All of the things we were going to throw away.  Some of her coworkers had come by to get a few odds and ends (matress and dishes), but the things she was supposed to take care of herself were, in fact, not.  Even the furniture we were taking that day had to have the clutter removed from the top before we could lug it out the door.

I do not want to blame her.  She feels the same way I do.  She doesn’t want to it.  I don’t want to do it.  What she does want to do, however, is keep going back to the apartment.  There she is stopped in the hallways numberous times by the white-haired communers to ask if she is “okay” and to tell her how sweet and cheerful my grandmother was.  I, on the other hand, want to never set foot into the place again.  It makes me sad to go there and see it empty, to not see her brighten when she recognizes me at the end of the hall.  I feel like I am trespassing, whereas my mother feels like she’s come home.

 I will be glad when this part of it is over.  I guess, I will.  Until the next part, at least.

I’m feeling better this week.  Well enough, in fact, to take my dog for a walk last night.  I tend not to write when I don’t feel like I have anything positive to say.  I don’t want this to be the place where I come to whine all the time.  (Once in a while a person has to vent, but constant negativity wears on me.  I get enough of that at home.) Keep reading →

Please forgive me for not updating.  I know it makes at least one of you worry sometimes.  Last week was just a very, very bad week here in geebaland.

The funeral went as well as can be expected.  We had about 20 people (more or less), 17 of which came to the nice luncheon.  My Dad did the service in his full “motorcycles for Jesus” regalia and scared off some of the older, out of town relatives.  Keep reading →

Grandma did not get better.  They kept her in the hospital - where it was almost 30 hours before there was even a bed available - and she seemed to be getting good care.  We had stayed with her in the ER until late on Tuesday.  She kept telling us to go home and Nana needed her rest, still recovering from her own illness.  Spending hours in an ER waiting room at this time of the year is hazerdous to one’s health anyway.  She received good care there, but we felt awful leaving her.

Wednesday, she seemed better but tired and confused.  She struggled to talk and was coughing a lot from the pneumonia.  I didn’t go Thursday, but Nana said she was feeling better and had her crank on, which is usually a good sign.  They were going to do some tests that had been overdue while they had her in there, which made sense and meant that they wouldn’t street her before she was recovered.

Friday afternoon I got the call from Mom that they had moved her to ICU and we should come.  It was bad.  She had arrested and with no DNR on file (something we were going to discuss with her “later”) they revived her.  I will spare you the details, but will say that it is not something you want for your elderly loved one.  It might have been different if she were younger, but in this case we wish they had just let her go.  Instead they put her on a respirator and told us to give her 24 hours to see if the brain damage that occurred would reverse itself enough for her to come out of the coma.

It’s odd, the way medical personnel behave.  I’ve had more than enough experience dealing with them lately, thank you, but I’m fascinated by what one can learn just through their actions.  There were three doctors, all of them being hopeful and saying let’s wait and see, give her 24 hours, etc.  Behind each doctor was a nurse shaking her head and looking at us to let us know that the 24 hours would make no difference.  And, in the end, it didn’t.  She was gone as soon as they removed the tubes.

ICU nurses and doctors must be some of the strongest people in the world.  I do not know how they do this every day.  Grandma had one main nurse who was so wonderful and strong and caring and gave wonderful real hugs (not the air hugs that one of her doctors gave).  They were constantly cleaning her up and making her look as normal as possible (which is impossible).  They explained everything and answered all of our questions in the kindest way possible.

On Friday, I was the first to arrive, which was good.  I got time alone with her and was able to prepare my mother.  We offered the Boy his chance to say goodbye and he surprised me by wanting to.  It shook him up because it is not like it is on television.  It is not pretty and clean and rosy-cheeked.  But he has been strong and supportive.

And, me, I am tired.  The arrangements are almost made.  I wish to do nothing but sleep, yet I don’t sleep well.  I worry about my mother and make lists.  We decided that Nana would continue with her scheduled minor surgery tomorrow as it has already been postponed once and we easily worked the funeral around it.

I wasn’t going to write about it, but the words are here inside me, wanting to come out.  I’ve run out of people who care to listen (and who get my twisted black sense of humor), so now is just the waiting and then the getting on with things.

I loved my grandmother very much.  She was the one person in the world who thought I could do no wrong.  Everything I did was a wonder and a thrill for her.  She made sure I was immune to the struggles that would have plagued my childhood had I been aware.  She was a rock for me and I will miss her.